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| My trusty bicycle and I. One last ride. |
When I first arrived in Magdeburg, it seemed I would never reach this place of feeling sadness when leaving it. At the time, that thought was unthinkable. As soon as I arrived in Magdeburg, the weather started to turn cold and all the friends I had made in Radolfzell had somehow been removed from my daily life. I thought that Magdeburg had nothing to offer me...when really it had more to offer me than I could ever imagine. Let me explain...
When I lived in Radolfzell, I lived in an absolute paradise. I lived in a picturesque little town nestled right on the largest lake in Germany. On a clear day, you could see the Alps and in 30 minutes I could set foot in Switzerland. This was the Germany I had dreamt about and wanted to experience. In those two months, I had gotten everything I had expected. When I moved to Magdeburg, I experienced a huge reality check. Magdeburg is a part of former East Germany. It was almost completely destroyed in WWII and was rebuilt under Soviet influence. Because of being rebuilt under Soviet influence, the buildings are all very plain, flat, and industrial looking. The streets are wider than you ever thought a street should be and the land itself is very flat which makes the plain buildings the only thing you can see when you are standing in the city. I found myself almost immediately opposed to living in Magdeburg but told myself, "Clayton, are you really that shallow? Just because Magdeburg isn't 'pretty' it doesn't mean it is a bad place to live." I tried to suck it up and prosper but I always found this sadness creeping into me...at times I even felt envy. I felt envy towards the other people in my program who were placed in, what I considered, attractive, lively places to live like Berlin, Munich, Cologne, or anywhere else really. The one thing Magdeburg had going for it was my awesome host family and my good friend Joe. Magdeburg doesn't have much to do and I found myself getting pretty darn bored. It turns out, however, that I am not the only person in Magdeburg who feels this way. Many of the students who study at the University in Magdeburg leave when they are finished with their studies because they do not want to live in Magdbeurg or Sachsen-Anhalt (the state that Magdeburg is in) for that matter. This is creating a serious problem for Magdeburg. The city has a decreasing population and all those smart, educated kids that get their education in Magdeburg leave and take all of their bright, new ideas with them and benefit other cities in the West. Magdeburg, and most of former East Germany are still recovering from DDR times. Time stood still during DDR time and former East Germany was not able to grow with the rest of Germany when it was separated for all of those years. They need those kids to stay with their education and new ideas. I hope, in time, this difference between East and West Germany will diminish and ALL of Germany can move towards the same future.
So there I was, feeling sorry for myself because I didn't get the Germany that I wanted. I traveled on the weekends to visit other program participants and that made things a little bit better. Traveling reminded me, however, that, even though I was not in my ideal city, I was still in Germany and had so many wonderful things to see. This was probably the beginning of the turning point for me. I started to realize that Magdeburg was not my favorite place in the world but that it was still a part of Germany. Before I left the states I thought to myself, "Get to know Germany Clayton. Experience as much of Germany as you can and embrace it." Well guess what? To embrace something wholeheartedly, you have to embrace the good and the bad. I love Germany and to truly love and embrace this country, I had to embrace all parts of it. The cities I do like and the cities I don't like; it's wonderful present and future but also its dark past. These things all make up Germany and I was beginning to realize that.
As many of you know, my program consists of studying at a Germany University for 5 months and then interning at a German company after the semester portion. During the semester portion, I kind of just went to class and didn't really take much in because I was sad about where I was living. I would travel on the weekends and slowly started to realize that I was still in Germany and that I could still see and experience lots of things while I was in Germany. By the end of my semester at the university I was not quite fully there to totally embracing Magdeburg and still did not like it. My internship search in Magdeburg was turning out little results. In my defense, former East Germany has less dynamic, interesting jobs than the West (for now at least) because of all the kids running away from it. So I was unable to find an ideal internship match for me in Magdeburg. I had met someone whose father was a professor in a city called Aachen some time before my internship search. When I couldn't find anything in Magdeburg, I contacted her and asked if her father had any internship spots available. Long story short, I ended up getting an internship offer in Aachen working with a Biology workgroup at the University in Aachen. After some emails and conversations with some supervisors in my program, I was approved to move to Aachen. I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited to experience a new part of Germany. Aachen is as far West as you can get in Germany. It is literally on both the borders of Belgium and Holland. I was of course sad to be leaving Magdeburg, my host family, and Joe but happy to have gotten a good internship in an exciting new city.
Aachen was great. It was hilly with little streets to explore and the city is a University city. 50,000 people out of 250,000 were students. It was a cool vibe and I really liked it. I lived in an apartment with two other guys. They were really cool and it was neat to be able to speak German with them on a daily basis. They were my age so we had some of the same interests. We even made Bloody Marys one night. My internship in Aachen was okay...a bit boring at times. They set me up making Excel spreadsheets of information a lot of times but it was okay. Once, I got to go into the woods for 10 hours and helped look for woodpeckers with a radio that played woodpecker noises. Aachen was great but I did miss my host family and Joe back in Magdeburg and I had this overwhelming feeling that I didn't "belong" in Aachen. I kept thinking to myself, "Clayton, you were placed in Magdeburg not Aachen."
One day in Aachen, I checked my email to see an email from a professor at the University in Magdeburg. Something had panned out with an internship there that didn't pan out before I left for Aachen. I was offered an internship in Magdeburg at the University. It was an internship that was comparable to the one I already had in Aachen. What was I to do? I now lived in a German city that was exactly like the German cities I had envisioned but now had a good internship offer in Magdeburg when the only reason I left Magdeburg in the first place was because I couldn't find a good internship. I could just not tell my program about it and stay in ignorant bliss in Aachen. However, ever since I left Magdeburg, I kept feeling like I had given up on something...that I had ended something too soon. The going got tough so I got going...I quit Magdeburg when I never really gave it a chance. Not to mention that I had a host family back in Magdeburg that signed up for this program just like I did and wanted to experience another culture through me just how I wanted to experience another culture through them. I did not want to cut that experience short for them. I have never considered myself a quitter before and finally realized that Magdeburg was the right place for me to be even if it wasn't the easiest place for me to be. So, after living in Aachen for almost exactly one month, I packed up all of my belongings once more and headed back to Magdeburg to finish what I started.
In the following months, I realized that was the best thing for me to do. My internship was really good for me. I got lots of lab experience. I worked in a lab that studies cow samples (cow poo) and worked towards making methane production more efficient. Methane is a renewable source of energy and can be used to power things instead of using coal or gasoline. Not the most glamorous job I have ever had but working towards a goal like that, that could help the planet, made me feel really good. I gained lots of practical lab skills. I am now a master at using micropipettes and can label even the smallest plastic tube with my hand tied behind my back.
Outside of work, I was beginning to see Magdeburg transform. The weather was getting nicer and Magdeburg was really turning into a beautiful city. The parks in Magdeburg are really great and Magdeburg is a cyclist's paradise. The flat terrain allows you to bike easily through the city and the wide streets allowed for plenty of room for bicycle lanes. I started to ride my bike to and from work everyday and the fresh air and green landscape helped me appreciate Magdeburg. By the near end of my time in Magdbeurg, I actually played hookie at work so that I could ride my bike around the city and take pictures all day. I was also beginning to realize that Magdeburg really had given me everything I wanted to get out of this experience. I wanted to learn more about German culture and I wanted to improve my German. I accomplished both of those things by living in Magdeburg. In fact, I would almost say that my German was better than it would have been had I lived in another city. Since Magdeburg was not what you would call a "tourist hotspot" not that many people know amazing English and there are very very few native English speakers in the city.
During my time in Magdeburg, I got to hear some very interesting stories about how things were in former East Germany and got to have a truly unique experience. There are very few Americans in Magdeburg. It is just not the place that people consider when they decide to study abroad. Because of that, I got to have a German experience that very few people will ever have. I am truly grateful for that. I always considered myself a pretty strong, resilient person before this program but Magdeburg really put that to the test. I experienced untold personal growth during this year. I am still not 100% sure of all the things Magdeburg has taught me that I will be able to use in the future but I am pretty sure even 20 years down the road I will be using what Magdeburg has taught me without even really realizing it. What's really special about Magdeburg is that it is ugly...on the outside. Now hear me out on this one. If you look really closely though and I mean really closely, you realize just how beautiful Magdeburg is. In fact, in order to appreciate Magdeburg's beauty you have to look so closely at and so deeply into it that you end up looking deep inside yourself and discovering things about yourself. I mean honestly. Really what makes you happy? It's not having mountains, old churches, or a beautiful city to look at is it? If it is, then you are a pretty darn shallow person...I must say, however, that I was that person at the beginning of my time in Magdeburg. I was so torn up about what Magdeburg did not have that I did not appreciate what it did have to offer me; a great friend, a wonderful host family, and a truly unique German experience. My first week in Magdeburg, I went on a very small, very short city tour. We came across the statue in the center of the city that basically represents the city. I was not able to fully appreciate it at the time but now can fully appreciate it and even relate to it. The statue is of two horses pulling one ball in opposite directions. The ball is actually a vacuum and the statue represents the experiment that Otto-Von-Guerricke (the university is named after him) conducted during which he discovered and proved the existence of the vacuum. Yes, the vacuum was allegedly discovered in Magdeburg. What is special about this statue is that one side looks like a traditional statue and the other side is open so that you can see the framework inside that supports the statue. This statue represents that everything has a purpose and that even beneath a seemingly beautiful outer shell, there lies a less beautiful support system but, without this support system, the statue would most likely fall or be quickly damaged. Functionality is not always beautiful but it is needed. You need function AND beauty. In Magdeburg, the functional part is way more apparent than the beauty (wide streets, plain industrial buildings, and a flat landscape that lends itself well to agriculture and wind energy production) BUT the beauty is still there. You just have to look!
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| The pretty side of the statue. |
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| Other side that shows the functionality. |
With all that said, I think you can understand why I am sad to be leaving Magdeburg. It has been the definition of a passionate experience. The lows were really low and the highs were pretty darn high. I can safely say that Magdeburg has become a home for me so leaving it will not be easy. Leaving Magdeburg and Germany is almost harder than when I left the states. When I left the states, I knew that in one year's time I would be returning. Sure some things will have changed by the time I return but, for the most part, the life I left in Wisconsin is waiting for me. Leaving Magdeburg is harder because I do not know when I will be able to return and, if I do, it will probably not be for very long. Magdeburg is a dear friend of mine that will probably never again be a part of my everyday life even though it is so meaningful to me. Sure, Magdeburg and I will share the occasional letter or phone call and even the not so occasional visit but it will never again be a part of my daily life as it was for the past 9 months. It is really something that only someone who has sudied abroad for an extended period of time can understand. I have tried to explain it the best I could but I know a website that can do it much better. Recently I saw a Thought Catalog entry going around on the internet that pretty much perfectly explains what it is like. It would be silly for me to try and replicate these thoughts in my own words when they are already explained so well. The entry was written by a woman named Chelsea Fagan who is a writer living in Paris. Here is the link to her entry:
Thought Catalog What Happens When You Live Abroad
Once you have lived away from your home for as long as I have, you can search and search the house you are leaving abroad looking for things you may have forgotten to pack. This attempt is futile...you will never ever be able to pack up all of the things you have in your home away from home. I am not talking about tangible objects or even things you can ascribe a name to...you will always leave something behind that you can't quite put your finger on...a feeling...a piece of your heart...a memory. This is not to say I will walk through the rest of my life feeling like half a person. I will will have many moments of 100% fulfillment, but, as Chelsea's article mentions, with every accomplishment, celebration, or memory I will have in the United States, I will forever wonder what I am missing back in my second home in Germany because a piece of me will always reside there...the piece of me that I looked desperately for while packing but also the piece that was never meant to return home with me. It would have been really easy to title this last post "The End" but that is so out of fashion and entirely too final for me. At the risk of sounding wayyyyy too predictable, I really do need to say that the end of this year is not an end but only the beginning of the rest of my story. When I started this program I thought to myself, "This is 'it' Clayton. This is the most important year of your life. Live it up since you probably won't have a another year like this. Make it count." I realize now that I was partially right. This year will probably remain one of the most important years of my life but this is not "it" whatever that even means. This will not be my last time in Germany and this year has really only opened countless doors for me. The only issue for me now is deciding which one of the wonderful paths before me I want to take.
Zu Familie Dulz, (Sonja, Konrad, Christian, Andreas, Katrin, und Oma Ruth) herzlichen Dank für eure Gastfreundshaft und für die Offnung eures Hauses zu mir. Meine Zeit in Magdeburg war etwas ganz besonderes für mich. Es ist meine deutsche Heimat. Ich bin echt ein Magdeburger Kind.
Euere Spatz,
-Clayton-
To my family back home (Michael, Brooke, Dad, Danni, Lilly, Jolene, Nana, and all the others that are too long to name), thank you for being so supportive of this journey of mine...or should I say ours. You guys have been with me the entire time and thank you for patiently awaiting for my return. It is almost here. Love you guys.
